I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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