dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
