Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My balls are so social today.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
