There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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