So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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