This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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