he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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