I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
