my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
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