Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
