Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
