Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Randomize
