Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
