come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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