i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Me. At least after what I've been through.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
