end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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