Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
