i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Randomize
