The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
