I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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