You're so nebulous sometimes
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
