Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
