I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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