i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
