Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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