It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
