he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
