I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
