I faked an abortion last night.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
