why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
