I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Go christen that room with your naked body.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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