My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
