areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
