i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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