3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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