I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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