two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
