Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
