Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
