Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
