we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
