today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We smell like vodka and hangover
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
