woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
God I need to hump something, right now.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
