So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
