Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
