the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
