Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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