No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
