I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
