I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
