A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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